Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
You Might Also Like
Knock Knock
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
mmm onion ringos
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.