A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.