Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.