Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew