my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body