“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
You Might Also Like
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂