Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Facebook memories be like
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge