My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Ah yes. The three genders
Duolingo getting serious.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder