2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
What’s so funny?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
the simulation is moving too fast
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook