My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.