Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
time for some seasonal decor
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…