Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.