5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*puts words between two asterisks*
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?