coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”