[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.