ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”