on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
This kid is going places
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!