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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo