a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Hotels are back
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope