The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.