I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
FINE, I WON’T.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other