Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know