At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow