When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Seems a bit forward
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.