When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
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My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can