Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids