i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Spell check is for lasers.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.