parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?