My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.