I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure