Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
You Might Also Like
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Sing it!