Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power