Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.