I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.