I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
This is sending me to another galaxy
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit