I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m not wrong
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.