Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.