I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
You Might Also Like
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Shortcut
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
🤣😈🤣
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not