Boy never ceases to amaze me
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]