My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Overindulged this afternoon.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.