[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
wtf management?!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*