Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
You Might Also Like
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.