Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Well, that should do it
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.