I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
A woman drives into a bar.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.