GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out