“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
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It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
What the dentist sees
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
is nasa ok
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.