Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”