Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend