Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
me: my friends:
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.