*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
You Might Also Like
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
True?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.